Taking a break

My Mum died in January 2010. My brother Pete called himself  'Billy-no-family'. I'm thousands of miles away. Not much to say. I can't imagine performing, entertaining, being my ridiculous stage self. I'm too raw, vulnerable. A good friend who is going through a break-up after eight years talks of not feeling alone, with all the love and friends supporting both her and her ex. When she said that, i started to numb out, tear up, and she saw. I couldn't verbalise it. The deep sense of being completely alone. No parents. No grandparents. At the age of 42, I'm now officially an adult orphan. Untethered. Alone. And waiting, hoping for some epiphany. What is life about? There must be more than this? Right? So freaking alone even with a strong and supportive community around me. Many find me hard work, too quiet, unlike my former self. Those who have never lost a parent treat me as bad luck. Others who have lost one can empathise for some of the pain and grief. Other orphans know the ungrounded loss of focus and future. In the books on this, there is talk of facing our own mortality. That isn't a fear, a problem for me. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living. Living without finding meaning. To love and be loved? I love. But it's not free. It's edited, held back, limited in expression. To love and be loved is said to be enough. It's not enough for me. Not right now...so what do i do? How do I do this?